Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Jumping the Gun

You need no introduction. It's Wednesday. It's Humpday. It's time for Humpday Confessions with Kathy. I confess...

Vodka and Soda

...I'm feeling stupidly giddy about the new dude in my life. Like, stupidly. It's been such a short time and I'm probably doing the absolute worst thing possible by putting this in writing, out here on the blog, but whatever. I'm smiling like an idiot all day every day. I'm an idiot. Check in with me in a month and smack me in the face if this goes south.
All the happies.
...Yesterday I found myself in traffic directly behind the person who broke my heart treated my heart like a chew toy for too many years. We haven't spoken in nearly a year and I don't anticipate that changing, but part of me was tempted to roll down the window and blast "Problem" as I sped past him with deuces up. Because I'm totally well-adjusted and mature.

...I have had absolutely awful time management skills the past couple weeks. I mean, it certainly doesn't help that the to-dos keep piling on and the time commitments keep growing longer and there's that whole I-want-to-spend-every-minute-with-you phase of new romanticals {gimme a break, I haven't fluttered like this in quite some time — let me just have this} and when you smoosh that all together and add in deadlines and promises and goal lists and apartment hunting and half marathon training, you get a giant mess of crap and a lady {that's me} who can't remember when she's supposed to be where and what she's supposed to be doing. I'm hoping to just kind of ride it out through the end of the summer and look back on the wreckage then. Maybe.

...I am absolutely BEYOND myself with anticipation for the relaunch of Feather Magazine. I was an editor for this fantastic online mag in the past before stepping aside when life got to be a little too crazy and the time was just right for me to pass the torch. {Is anyone sensing a biting-off-more-than-she-can-chew theme here? Whatever.} Then the mag took a brief hiatus, but we're so happy to announce that WE ARE COMING BACK! Our fearless leader, Editor-in-Chief/Founder Brianti has been painstakingly working to put the wheels in motion and we're back on August 11, baby! Okay, this isn't much of a confession — except the part where I'm damn near pee-my-pants happy about it and barely containing my urge to show you guys some of the awesome stories my girls are working on for the first issue. Sign up here to receive updates about the mag's relaunch and follow the editors' blog {I write there!} here for some tasty bits to hold you until the official launch. Eeeeep!

Your turn bbz, spill your weekly confessions and link up with Kathy because anything else would just be irresponsible today.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Rolling Around in the Noggin

Since I'm really doing quite terribly at this "being a blogger" thing lately, I thought it was time to call in reinforcements. And by reinforcements, I of course mean a link-up prompt. Today's apologetic-but-not-quite-good-enough post is brought to you by Juliette and her pals during a delightful little adventure called Blog Every Day in July.
The Other Juliette

I'm about to drop a big ol' shocker on you guys: I think a lot, even encroaching on what some would call "overthinking" territory. I KNOW ISN'T IT UNBELIEVABLE? Jay kay, that's been made pretty clear since day one here. And since my intelligence does have its limits {ANOTHER HUGE SHOCKER FOR YOU I KNOW I KNOW CONTROL YOURSELVES} I, unfortunately, don't have all the answers I seek. And those orphaned thoughts are...

The things that make me go "hmm..."

++ Why do mosquitos seem to be drawn exclusively to my below-the-hip half? I swear, every time I wear shorts — or hell, even pants and sandals — I come inside after as little as two minutes with a new archipelago of bug bites swelling into the size of golf balls on my legs or feet. It's so very attractive.

++ Am I actually as swift with the Command+Tab as I think I am at the office, or are my bosses actually fully aware of how much time I spend blogging, commenting, and Redditting during the day and are just not saying anything because I do an obscene amount of work regardless?
Painfully accurate these days.
++ Is it really possible that this new little romantical thing I have going on is actually so freaking new and yet I'm more comfortable with this person than I am with many people that I've known for years? And is it any coincidence {or red flag} that similar feelings came at such a pace last year with someone who turned out to be a great big ol' flaming bag of crap?

++ This is pretty much the first mention of my romanticals that's ever been here on my blog. And yet I've talked to you people about my back sweat. Is there any more evidence needed that the romantical life has been pretty unconsequential when not downright non-existent over the past couple months? Also if I have a sir to talk about occasionally here does that mean I'm allowed to be a Real Blogger now? #singlebloggerproblems

++ Whenever I see posts that I'm not promoting anymore or anything still getting a pretty solid number of hits daily {this one and this one, because I'm shameless like that}, I kind of go into panic mode wondering where they're being shared/have been sent/getting clicks from. And this makes me go "hmmm," and then it makes me go hide behind the couch.

++ HOW IN GODS NAME ARE THE OWNERS OF THE APARTMENT I SAW LAST NIGHT ASKING FOR SO MUCH FOR THAT TINY, DINGY, 100% SLOPED-CEILING SPACE?? As if that wasn't bad enough, the realtor showing me the digs mentioned the {owner-occupied — not ideal, but not a deal-breaker} first floor is home to a couple with four kids and then I noped right the hell out of there. BYE.

Seeing as my blog is basically a{n almost} daily collection of things that make me go "hmmm," I'm throwing on the brakes right here because I just got in from a run and I need a shower before the health department comes knocking on my door. How's that for a Tuesday morning thought?

What makes you go "hmmm?" Linking up with Juliette — why don't you do the same?

Friday, July 18, 2014

Friday: The Fill-in-the-Blank Edition

Big thanks to Erin for taking the leg work out of today's post. I present to you, my inaugural Blogmopolitan Quiz:
Forgive me for the brevity today, but I've got a hot date to freak out over for the next 12 hours get ready for, so I'm linking up with Erin for some more get-to-know-me fun & my lady Whit to get this slow dance out of my system.

{LOVING this song & album <3}

What are you up to this weekend? I hope it's perfect.

Thursday, July 17, 2014

How It's Only Thursday & Other Inexplicable Things

Try as I might, there are just some things I can't understand. Like:
  1. Why is there not yet an app or function of the iPhone or Reddit that allows me to have Reddit threads read aloud to me while I'm running and I can't decide on which playlist I want to run to and there's a particularly good /r/AskReddit or AMA going on at the moment.
  2. Why I actually have to show up to my office every day when working from home is more effective {in my case} and I can do literally everything I need to do at the office from the comfort of my home and without pants or mascara.
  3. Why it's "the future" and we still don't have a method of lightening-fast transportation.
  4. Why people shout things to me from their cars as they drive past me running. Gentlemen, do you think I can hear you? Do you think I can actually understand what you're saying? Do you think I care enough to follow up? Do you think you don't look like a totally disgusting pervert when I can HEAR YOU slowing down and SEE YOU staring with your mouth open when your eyes should be on the road especially since we're in a school zone and there are kids playing baseball right over there?
  5. Why there are people who seem to think dishes are clean if they've just been rinsed under lukewarm water. Here's a Pro Tip: If I can still see what was cooked in it last, the pot isn't clean yet.
  6. Why everyone seems to need more hours in a day and yet nothing about neither the number of hours we have in a day nor the amount of things we have to do in the hours given has changed yet.
  7. Why I went for a swim run in 93% humidity earlier this week and this morning I got out of bed freezing cold. Is Mother Nature entering menopause with these hot flashes?
  8. Traffic.
  9. Why I woke up with my right hamstring feeling like it's one good stride away from completely snapping and sending me into a fit of pain and how to make this not be a thing that happens, while still sticking to my training schedule and getting a couple of miles in tonight. {Tracy? Kathy? Bueller?}
  10. Why it's still not Friday night and I'm still not sitting down to dinner with the person who has been making me smile like an idiot all day, all damn week. 
Me, currently.
What just doesn't make sense to you?

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Life with Endo

It's a day for confessing, as every Wednesday is here in bloglandia, and it's a day I love so much. I mean, how can you not love a day we call Humpday in which all of our nearest and dearest gather round the campfire at Kathy's place and spill our dirtiest little secrets, cop to our madness, and share our best misdeeds with each other?

Usually I'm all for a good shame-spilling sesh — except, let's be real, I basically am incapable of feeling shame, as evidenced by all the weird shit I've told you guys over the past couple of months. But I guess it's worth noting that there's one area of my life or topic of conversation that, while I'm not exactly ashamed of it, I at least am very self-conscious of.

If you caught this post about my reaction to the Supreme Court's decision on the Hobby Lobby case, you might have picked up on something I mentioned about halfway down. I mentioned that I use hormonal birth control to manage a chronic and lifelong reproductive condition.
image via
I have endometriosis and a collapsed Fallopian tube. 

On October 23, 2012, I had a diagnostic laparoscopy to detect and confirm. This surgery — my first time ever under anesthesia — came after two ultrasounds {yeah, both kinds *shudder*} found no trace of anything wrong with me, though I knew there was. I knew the pain I was feeling wasn't normal. At 23, I had already been on birth control for many years as a method of pain management and all that other fun stuff, and it worked. So why was I suddenly doubled over, day in and day out, at times literally unable to move from the pain in my abdomen, lower back, and pelvic area?

During my surgery, my doctor found a moderate amount of endometriosis spread all over my ovaries, which were also found to be just a tad too big for my small size. {This is totally not a humble brag. My hips are too narrow making my midsection too small for the robot to have gone in for the laparoscopy as it normally would have, and everything's kinda cramped in there — even more so thanks to the endometriosis adding more bulk where it shouldn't be.} The layer was expansive but thin, so thin that it could not be removed without my doctor risking damage to my ovaries in any attempt to remove it.

For those of you who don't know, a simple explanation goes like this: with endometriosis, the endometrial layer grows outside of the uterus, where it isn't supposed to, over other organs. It can lead to the organs {like the ovaries} getting pushed around and kind of out of place, which I shouldn't have to tell you isn't ideal. It's characterized by pain. Sometimes, if you're really lucky, it can seriously disrupt your cycle. You're even luckier when random bleeding occurs. In many cases, during the laparoscopy, if endometriosis is found, it can be removed during that very surgery. In some other cases, like my own, it can't. In every case, it will continue to grow back.

I also have a collapsed Fallopian tube. This also means pain. And it also also means that 50% of the time I have no egg, so that if I ever tried to get pregnant, {that's if, and a big if at that; an if that won't even be addressed for a number of years} half the time our attempts would be useless. And that's, of course, if the endo doesn't take away my fertility by then anyway.

So why do I tell you all this today? It's not for sympathy, I swear. I've been living with endo — knowingly, at least — for nearly two years now, and the collapsed Fallopian tube for my whole life. It's just kind of something that's become like any other part of my life. It's not a secret — I'm willing to talk about it, especially because so few people seem to know about it, and I want to help change that. {Ladies, if something feels wrong, if you feel like you're in more pain than you should be, talk to your doctor. Tell her/him your symptoms and keep a record of your pain levels.} Sometimes, though, it makes me feel some small degree of shame.

I know that my femininity is not defined by whether or not I have children. I know that I am a woman in whatever ways I choose to define myself as such. I know that infertility, if that is something I face later in my life, does not take away my identity as a woman. But sometimes, it can get into your head and make you wonder things, things like why the very system that is universally understood to make you a woman rejects your body... and if your body isn't capable of things other women do with ease, how do you measure up?

Don't get me wrong, those thoughts are very few and far between, and I don't share them here for sympathy or words of encouragement. They pass almost as quickly as they arrive because I know that I get to decide what kind of woman I am, and what makes me one.

So, right, back to why I'm sharing this. Well, like I said, to inform and encourage women to check with their doctors if something isn't right. To promote awareness and understanding of this disease. And to some degree, to ask for your forgiveness. Over the last couple of days my posts haven't been prepared in advance, haven't included the best images, and haven't been the most thoughtful or entertaining reads. It's hard to describe this disease and its tendency to "come and go," because that might give off the impression that it ever goes. It doesn't. It never, ever goes. But sometimes, like the last few days, it decides that it doesn't want to let you forget for even a second that it's there.

So I hope you understand when I say my lack of attention here is not because I don't think you guys deserve the best of me — I know you do, which is why I decided to be so completely honest with you here today. As much as I enjoy the fun stuff, the sharing of our quirks and recounting our weekends with one another, it's the ability to share and talk about this stuff — the real, raw, not-so-cute-on-the-outside stuff, the stuff that makes us human and vulnerable — that makes blogland a really great place, and helps us bridge gaps set only by geography and happenstance.

If any of you have questions about endo or want to talk about anything mentioned here, or reproductive health, or fertility, or choosing to have or not have children, or having that choice made for you, or just want to ask questions or anything remotely related, you are very, very welcome to ask them. {Feel free to email me if you'd like to keep your comments or questions private.}

Regardless, just let me say thanks for sticking around even when I'm a bit off my game. You know I'll be back to normal shortly, and you know I'll make it up to ya.

{Linking up with Kathy for Humpday Confessions}